It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
