there's paper in my vomit.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
