Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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