i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
where are my pants?
in the oven.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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