It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
