Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
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