Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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