I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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