her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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