i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
