She is in my trunk
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize