I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Come on in and take your pants off
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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