insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
