Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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