I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize