Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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