If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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