I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
is it fun? or sober?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
