The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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