I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
