This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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