Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
