Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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