He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
