Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
