clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
