who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
