then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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