i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
