she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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