I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
