something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
