I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
even my farts smell like vagina
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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