I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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