she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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