You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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