I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
