Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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