He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
