yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
