Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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