just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
