i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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