been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
