3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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