That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
