Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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