I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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