It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
