dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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