if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
