I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
