he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
