We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
