Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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