I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
