Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The Olympian is in my bed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
